lost chapters...

as a child, I can remember crying to God for why He made me a girl. I suppose many people might not guess that today as I'm often in a dress or heels while out. a friend declared that I am overcompensating for lost time.

I suppose I've come to terms with being a woman, although those thoughts still creep into my mind. would I change into a man if I could? probably not. had I been asked 5 years ago.. my name today might be Daniel and I'd have a functioning penis. I felt more like a crossdresser when I put my first dress on. I've come a long way in these last couple of years.

I was convinced, that I wasn't just a tomboy, but a boy cursed with girls body trying to learn to be feminine. my mom hated it; my dad thought I'd make a better son than my brother. I preferred climbing trees and hanging with the guys. I thought, I would be gay guy when I grow up. I was confused. I hated pink but part of me still wished to enjoy the same interests as other girls.. but I also liked girls. doing girl things meant I could be close to them.. so, what does that mean I'd wonder. I was intrigued by my body yet disgusted. I was intrigued by everyone's body really. boys had something I wanted; girls had something I wanted to look at.

I'd feel a strange bit of embarrassment looking thru magazines at women in their bras and panties.. jealousy of them, but jealousy of men as well with their chests and bulges showing in boxer briefs.. I saw a nipple thru a lace brazierre in a JcPenny catalog. so confused... and aroused.

as I got older, I accepted that I am physically female. I wanted to be attractive to men because that's the way its supposed to be... forgive me for my narrow mind. living my life rejected: rejected by girls, rejected by boys, rejected by my parents, I just wanted to fit in somewhere.. being gay and/or transgendered would just set me further apart. clearly, I am not strong.

so, now on to the next step. I have met a woman that I'm totally infatuated. when we met in person for the first time, I felt the same and my physical attraction grew. at the end of the night, we hugged.. heat rushed down between my legs. her body felt so good in my arms. breasts pressed against me... in those few seconds, I wondered how or why I ever believed I could be heterosexual.

I hate to sound like I never enjoyed sex with men. I do find men attractive, I'm just free to not think about fucking them. its funny, but the men I enjoyed sex with the most, are the ones I rarely had intercourse with... the ones who spent more time touching me than fucking me with his dick... lesbian sex with straight men.

I could go for a good hard fuck right now... I just can't seem to desire men anymore. which sucks as men are an expendable source of sexual relief. my dry spell is quickly turning into a drought. a painful, throbbing drought.

posted from Bloggeroid

hypocrite...

you know, I claim to live by the old saying "live and let live".. recently, thanks to some encouragement from a new friend, I've finally decided to submit myself to the truth.

I'm often remembered as the girl that "marched to my own beat" and didn't seem to care what others thought... so often I've preached to others to do what feels right and fuck everyone else. I've allowed people to believe I don't give a shit, when I do. I've always cared which is why I've always kept myself hidden. I need to own up to the fact that I'm a hypocrite.

I support everyone and everything they do; I have so many gay and bisexual friends, yet I've never said a word. I've just allowed everyone to assume I'm straight, all while trying to convince myself that I'm merely a straight girl wishing to be gay rather than a gay girl pretending to be straight. how can I call myself an honest person? how can people trust me when I not only lie to others but to myself?

just a little self rant. time to begin a more honest life..

posted from Bloggeroid

first love...

in the past couple of years especially, I've been going thru a sort of revelation.

feelings towards women are nothing new.... I've just never really forced myself to acknowledge them. anytime I've had a crush on a girl or it hasn't worked out or I've gotten scared, I've retreated back to the safety of Straightland. I've come so close to the edge, but always turned back.. being straight, regardless of whether I ever was or not, is comfortable. its safe. its expected. no one questions a woman that is with a man. however, after this last attempt, I feel as though the gates to Straightland have been closed; I've been banned from the world of the straight life; cast away to Queer City until I've figured out what the Hell I want.

when I was in first or second grade, I developed my first crush.. my first obsession actually. her name was Jennifer Franklin. she sat to the right of me in class. she's the only person in that class I remember. she had long wavy brown hair and blue eyes.

at first, it was just me staring at her. I remember she would turn around and give me this "what the fuck are you staring at" look. I didn't stop though; I couldn't stop. I was happy to get her attention. soon I started writing her notes letting her know I liked her and telling her how beautiful she is. I believe she was flattered in the beginning with the possibility of a new friend, until I continued deeper with love letters, which led to other disruptive behaviors: singing, whispering I love you, holding up signs declaring my devotion. I told her I wanted to marry her and have babies together.

one day the teacher walked up to me and opened my folder to find one of my signs. that was the last day I saw Jennifer. I can't remember if she was moved to the other side of the room or I was moved to a different class.. either way, she was gone. I believe my mom gave me a short speech that girls like boys, chalking it up to an innocent phase..

years later I'd gotten her out of my mind. it was only a phase... and then I saw her, or a girl that looked like her, from across the parking lot at kmart. it was like in a movie: her hair blowing in the wind, a dusty cloud lining blocking my peripheral vision. I wanted to say something, but I didn't. I mean what could I say? what if she hadn't recognized me? or what's worse, she had? the queer little girl that used to sing to her? so I just stared, all the same feelings returned..

before I even knew the word bisexual existed, I knew I wasn't "straight". i knew I could love anyone regardless of their genitals, but it wasn't proper. at 26 though, I'm realizing you can't choose to be straight just like you can't choose to be gay. you can live the lifestyle but eventually the sexuality police will find you and realize you're an illegal immigrant to their world. they'll strip you of your cover up and you will be banished. you'll have no choice but to walk along the uneasy path of discovery and acceptance. hopefully you'll meet some people along the way to assist you on your journey. a band a merry men (or women).

I have come out privately to myself many times, only to jump back into my messy closet. I've locked the door behind me this time so I hope to let go of the handle and allow myself to follow this undeveloped road. I may find something at the end that I've wanted all along.

posted from Bloggeroid

changes...

like the moon, I seem to be entering a new phase in life. gliding thru the channels of self and sexuality. I'm not sure if the changes are permanent or simply situational.

since my ex left me last year, I've only had sex 3 times (something I only just realized while writing this).. I've given 2 blow jobs.. yet I've been masturbating excessively while obsessively lusting after a Hispanic tomboy from work. I was temporarily drawn in by a tall transgendered female and as time passes, I find myself less and less attracted to men. lesser than that after each sexual encounter.

the only reason this has become topic is because last night while out in a bar, I was introduced to a good-looking young man with glasses. he was dressed in a nice pair of slacks, a
button down shirt, and a bow tie, which I loved. we had a great conversation and he listened to me intently.. but then he asked me if I wanted a kiss. I'm not sure how I felt at that moment. strangely surprised, considering hed been complimenting and giving me an unusual amount of attention. he then handed me a piece of Kiss chocolate, we laughed and continued talking.... then it came: the pick up. he asked me what I was doing afterwards to which I replied going to bed. he asked me if I wanted company and used the classic "my place or yours".... just as soon as he finished his last breath I felt the words I'm a lesbian about to be blurted from my mouth, however I instead giggled, a lot, to avoid any impulsive statements then told him I'm not interested in hooking up (which is a lie because I fuck in my dreams practically every night and go thru my days like a wound up jack in the box on edge).

how can I not be attracted to an attractive man? especially when all I talk about is wanting attention from someone special and never getting picked up. I understand that looks don't necessarily justify attraction but I felt nothing. I mean nothing at all towards any direction.

earlier in the night, I had a friend of mine do some detective work. he said he thought he knew a girl that fit Jo's description and found her over Facebook; they had a mutual friend.. so I messaged her. I introduced myself and asked her if she's seeing anyone. I was so anxious all night waiting for her reply... when she did reply, I was heartbroken. she was very nice about it; she told me she is seeing someone. for 12 years... I don't know if its a man or a woman, although I'm fairly certain its a woman. holding my heart, I told her that's wonderful, expressed to her what an attractive woman she is and left it at that. I wanted to cry but that's how it goes. at least now I can move on, I guess. I'm now wondering what it'll be like when I see her at work again. will she pass me thru the hall like I don't exist, or will she smile and wave, looking me in the eye, knowing we're not quite like the other girls?

the boy from the bar surprised me with a little kiss on the lips. for those 5 seconds, I felt myself screaming for hours from the inside: what are you doing? please don't use tongue! ew. why aren't I enjoying this? when will it end? I'm so embarrassed. what will I do if he sticks his tongue in my mouth??

I'm not sure what to think of myself right now. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm not really sure of anything. however, I am sure that I'm not sure of where I'm going or what I'm doing. I suppose all I can really do is watch the transformation unfold. I certainly don't feel like I'm living in my body. its more like sitting outside myself. like a movie. observing, wondering what she's going to do next. not knowing what's going thru her head.

have I reached a turning point in my story or a foreshadowing of future events? perhaps I'll find out more after I arrive in Georgia. the end of this chapter is a bit unstable; the next one ought to have some clarifying moments. perhaps some new supporting characters? I'm so curious what the author was thinking when he wrote the novel to my life. I'm so curious of what he has in store.

posted from Bloggeroid

simple truth? popcorn, granola, water

recently I signed up to be a bzzagent on bzzcampaign. my first campaign was a lot for Simple Truth. I got a bag of popcorn, a bottle of water and a box of granola cereal.

firstly, the popcorn. I love popcorn. I'm addicted. I could literally eat popcorn all day every day! I pop mine in a pot on the stove, old school lol. I'm not really tied up in the organic scene, but I do like that there are inexpensive options. the popcorn was a bit chewy which is expected with bagged popcorn. the taste was the bothersome part. it had a strange metal sort of taste. I dunno.. its hard to explain. the actual flavor for the popcorn was lightly salted. it was indeed lightly salted but that metal taste was too much. after I sprinkled on my popcorn seasoning, it wad tolerable enough for me to eat the entire bag in one sitting lol. I probably won't repurchase this, but I would recommend it to others to try it. its not bad, I just don't want to have to adjust the flavor. if I see a bag of cheddar flavor, I might have to give it a try. I'm a sucker for cheddar flavored chips and popcorn.

the water was not entirely impressive. the flavor was tropical mango. mango just happens to be my favorite fruit so I was excited to taste it. um, I didn't care for it but my 3yr old son enjoys it. we drink a lot of water here, but I was expecting a bit more flavor in the water. not too much, just enough to give the natural sweetness of a mango. I probably will not purchase this product either but manly because we are fine drinking tap water with a splash of crystal light if we want flavor.

lastly is the berry flavored granola. I'm not a big fan of granola but I actually enjoyed this one. sweet and crunchy. if ever I'm in the market for granola, I probably would purchase this.

so out of the three products, the only one I would purchase is the one I wouldn't normally even buy lol. all are good, but only the granola really stood out to me

posted from Bloggeroid

Update: September 1

I don't know my last update but quite a bit has been going on. My weight loss has been slow and my hair journey sporadic.

I'm down to 160 from, I think, 183 size I first noticed myself getting fatter. I do plan on continuing to lose weight until I just can't lose anymore lol. Actually 145 is my goal. That is a good healthy weight, not too skinny or big. I'll be happy to see 155 right now though.

I've tried a few products which I will do reviews on including taliah waajid curly curl creme and curl sealer, eco styler gel, and some garnier products.

I just want to give a quick rant. yesterday afternoon I attempted a wash and go with eco styler gel. Um, over 12 hours later, my hair is still wet... Low porosity hair is something else. Looks like I'm going to have to invest in a diffuser.

I'll do my product reviews sometime this week. I've been working like crazy and have so much drama going on its ridiculous. If things get settled in the next couple of months I might post a video or two. I'm probably not going to do any tutorials because I all don't have any real routine. I just wash it when I can, use water to moisturize during the week, condition and twist when I get a chance.. My schedule has been so busy, I'm relieved the wash and go worked out somewhat. The shrinkage I can do without as I like my hair to be big but I'll work with it.

posted from Bloggeroid

Week 4... plateau

I'm entering my fourth week on this whole diet thing. Here are my stats:

SW: 183
CW: 170
GW1: 160
GW 2: 145
UGW: easy and manageable

So, I've lost roughly 10 pounds since I started this thing, but I'm pretty sure it's all water weight because I don't look or feel any different. Guess I oughta start posting pictures.

I noticed since I hit 170, I can't seem to go lower. It's as if my body is clinging on to this fat for dear life! Very frustrating. Made the mistake of buying sour cream and cheddar chips, my weakness. I can ignore cakes and cookies, but chips I can't. I don't plan on buying anymore after this bag runs out. I was crabbing them so got them. Figured if that's the only junk food I ate, them I'm ok haha.

Thus week I've decided to start implementing circuit training to Mt exercise regimen. Reminds me of my days in boot camp haha.

So, the good news is I haven't gained, but I'm stuck.. I really want to get out of the 170s. After my mom died, I easily put on 20 lbs in less than 2 months, so my first goal is to get back down to a where I was, then continue on down to my pre pregnancy weight. From there, who knows. Guess I'll keep going until I'm just tired of losing. Well,.that is,.I'd I can ever get passed this plateau

Ugh,.just want to cut this fat off with a pair of scissors...

posted from Bloggeroid

Week 3: still doing it

I actually think week three is over, but it doesn't matter; I haven't posted anything.

I'm still dieting and made three mistake of buying a scale. I'm obsessive, do its a good and bad thing. Its good because I've grown more conscious of what I'm eating and motivated.. Its not good, because my obsessive nature kicks in and now I'm on that bitch like every 30 minutes lol. Stressful yes, but I'll take that stress. I keep it in the kitchen so I can weigh every time I'm thinking about snacking.

I've kicked up my exercise to twice a day. I don't do anything extreme. No insanity or p90x lol. I just do light aerobics, yoga, and pilates. I'm not committed enough to purchase those other programs. Sure, I may not get ripped, but I'm losing weight all the same. I find that when I jump into an exercise program fill throttle, I get bored before I really get any results, plus the more weight you lose the more you have to exercise to keep losing, so why kill myself in the beginning? No, I'll increase as I go along.

Although I am losing weight, I'm assuming its all water weight because I don't see or feel any different. I think this is typical for me. It won't be until after the second 10 that my clothes might start fitting different and I can start noticing a difference.

I'm trying to incorporate more ab and arm work. Even though I do lose most of my weight from the top first, I've never had the tone I wanted, so even at my lowest I was still embarrassed to wear short sleeved shirts. I've had a flat stomach, but not as firm as i wanted plus i still had to suck in. More especially since I've had a baby I'm gonna have to put more emphasis on toning my mid section. I naturally just have big legs, but the weight will start to fall off them at the 30lb mark so not too worried about them.

I guess at the end of week 4 I'll post my final results. I still only feel like I'm on a diet, not a lifestyle change so I'm going to have to work on that. I don't want to yo-yo back up in my weight this time. This time I want to go down and stay down.

posted from Bloggeroid

Week 3.... Weight loss disappointments

Well, I didn't think I was losing any weight.. Got on the scale at work and turns out I'd only lost half a pound last week.. Talk about disappointed :/. So, I think I wool have to go back to taking two Fenfast pills a day and really watch my calorie intake. I know I need top up my cardio as well.. I guess my mystery calories are coming from my drinks.. Ugh.

I downloaded a work out app yesterday which I think will do me well. It gives you a different workout every day. It counts all the minutes for you and tells you when to switch between exercises. I like it because I don't have to think for myself lol. I'm one of those people that needs coaching, even if its just a recording on a phone. So I can get my exercise in while Micah watches a DVD.. I believe it's called Daily Workout. Maybe I can start going to hot yoga soon. I'd like to sweat off more weight!

posted from Bloggeroid

Diet update

I'm already losing track of what week I'm in. I'm pretty sure it's still week 2. Anyway, yesterday was not a good day. I ate so much. I couldn't help myself! I didn't take that Fenfast pull thinking maybe I could just skip it and perhaps, along with the ketones, it is helping control my cravings. Be it a placebo affect, or that it's proprietary blend is ad it states, it seems to be working in some way.

I haven't noticed any more weight loss, but I won't know for sure until I get on the scale. I will be very disappointed if not even a pound is lost. My belly seems to be just as big as it ever was and the cellulite on my butt is still there. I know is a little early to be expecting those improvements, but I like fast results lol.

I started doing a 30 day squat challenge. Let me just say, it is harder than it sounds. Today is 75 squats, but I could barely get thru the 70 yesterday. I break mine up into intervals throughout the day, but even that feels tedious. I know I need to; I'm jeopardy of losing my ass here!

Tuesday I went for a 4mi powerwalk. My legs are killing me. Mainly in my shins. I haven't walked that far or hard since I went thru basic training! I'm planning to go again, but unfortunately it's raining, so I don't want to take Micah in all of that, plus I have my hair up in these twists and they're still wet (used that dark and lovely Au naturale defining glaze... Sigh).

I do still plan on doing some pilates today. I feel less motivated to do it now that I know it doesn't burn that many calories. A 30 minute work out only burns about 120 calories. Doesn't that just hurt your feelings. It's a great work out though. Really helps to tone and strengthen muscles, which I suppose in the long run burns a lot of calories. My weight isn't necessarily the party that bothers me, it's the actual shape of my body and the way my clothes fit. I can live without a lot of weight loss if I can lose the fat and get back into my jeans comfortably lol

posted from Bloggeroid

Weight loss journey, week 2: raspberry ketones

I feel like I've been dieting for longer than a week.. I don't know why this time is so hard, but it is.

On a positive more, someone brought in fresh baked doughnuts, but I made it out of the building without even a lick! I'm not really a sweets person, but soft, warm, freshly baked glazed fights are hard to pass up! I'm feeling accomplished.

I've lost 2 or 3 lbs this weeks, which makes me happy. I honestly do not believe the weight loss is from the Fenfast 375 diet pills I started taking nearly 2 weeks ago. However, the raspberry ketones may be the culprit.

From what I have read online, there had been no human study of raspberry ketones, but in rats it did show fat burning abilities. I've come across, not many, but testimonials for different raspberry ketone products unfortunately not many for just the plain supplement like I'm taking. The reviews are about half in half negative to positive, and a few neutral (no weight loss). The positive results are promising: quick weight loss and appetite suppression, which is what you desire in a diet supplement: fast results for what you're using them for. The negative results though are quite alarming. I'd type a skeptic about anything, you should most definitely read ALL sides of the ketones argument. Well, really everyone should. The adverse reactions to the ketones are pretty serious, even sending done people to the emergency room mainly for high blood pressure. If you have high blood pressure, I strongly recommend you NOT try raspberry ketones. I am NOT a doctor or nutritionist, but friend to friend, this is probably not a smart thing to do.

Most of the people taking the raspberry ketones supplement, I've noticed, are taking a brand of done sort marketed towards weight loss. I wonder if these people with the negative results are taking a general, plain supplement or the diet pills. The problem with purchasing the weight loss marketed pills vs. the pure ketones, besides bring overpriced, is many of those pills are quickly constructed in labs simply to keep up with the fad. Some of them, such as those from internet companies, may have filler products in them to "stretch the batch" so to speak. Some are scams which you don't know what is actually in the pill (like with this Fenfast 375).

I would not suggest taking the ketones that are combined with other substances because you won't know what in the supplement is causing the adverse reaction if you come to have negative results. There are a lot of ketone diet pills that suddenly sprang up after the Dr Oz episode, so outers hard to know what's what. I would check out your local vitamin and health store for a pure version of the raspberry ketones. I bought mine from Walmart for like 5 bucks because I'm cheap and I didn't want to lose another 50 bucks for something that may not even work (ehem, Fenfast 375).

I don't believe I'm going to order another bottle of the Fenfast 375, I am, however, going to finish the bottle I bought just in case it is helping me to lose weight. About 2 weeks in and I don't really feel ad if it is offering me what I want in a weight loss supplement. I don't feel any appetite suppression, in fact I was snacking just as much before I started the raspberry ketones; and I hate taking that big pill 30 minutes before eating because then I'm sitting there waiting to eat. I like taking the raspberry ketones because they're smaller and in capsules so they're easier to swallow, I only need to take one and WITH a meal (I take one to two with each meal that I remember to), and they're a lot cheaper and can be bought at the pharmacy vs a sketchy online website. I feel between the ketones and watching my intake with the Noom weight management app, I'll do well to lose some weight.

Well, time for some pilates, then I need to wash my hair. Just got two new conditioners that I think work well together and with the Evercurl products.

posted from Bloggeroid

Weight loss

Well, I've been taking that Fenfast 375 twice a day for a couple weeks, I think. I dunno, check my last post to see how long its been. Anyway, I really can't tell if I've lost any weight yet. I haven't been exercising like I need to either though. I still have an issue with snacking in the evening though, so the appetite suppression doesn't seem today long I guess..

Recently I started taking raspberry ketones although I have read a lot of not so positive reviews. Its half good and half really bad. I haven't had any adverse reactions so far and they have been helping me not snack in the evenings, so even if they didn't burn any actual fat, they will have helped me cut some unnecessary calories. I like them because I don't have to wait 30 minutes to eat; I can take them with juice and with a meal. If I had to choose only one supplement to take, it would be the raspberry ketones. They are much smaller and come in capsule form, making them easy to swallow.

I downloaded an app called Noom to help me keep track of what I'm eating and the calories I burn. I'm hoping by posting to Facebook, I'll feel more motivated to compete work outs you know with people watching me lol. I'm only allowed 1200 calories a day which is actually harder to do than I thought. I felt lie I'm a healthy eater, but I see I'm definitely consuming more calories than I expected.

posted from Bloggeroid

Update on hair practices

So, here I am in my hair journey. I've berm using that Loreal evercurl system and I like it. I mean, I don't use a lot of products to compare it, but it smells nice, makes my hair soft and feels pretty moisturized.

However, I do wish it gave me more frizz control, but I think that's just the problem with short hair because my ends are showing. When I twist then, my ends are frayed and yes I've tried trimming them. Doesn't help. I'll just have to wait until it gets longer. The length of my hair is fairly smooth and has sheen, but I won't see it for a while.

I've started taking msm with my daily supplement. It's only been a couple of weeks so I can't tell if ours doing anything yet. I think my nails do feel stronger and I have noticed less hair going down the drain. I'd love it if it would clear up my skin though. Starting to do yogurt masks for that, which seemingly made my acne worse yesterday. Anyway, that's a different blog altogether.

I'm thinking of adding horsetail or bamboo silica to my supplements as well. Probably the horsetail. It's cheaper and readily available at Walmart or the pharmacy.

Yes I know hair growth requires patience, but nothing wrong with trying lol. Why not give my head a boost for a few more inches by summer?

Other than this, I'm still pretty low maintenance when it comes to my hair. I wash it once a week then flat twist it. I've started Cowashing in the middle of the week to keep my hair looking fresh, but might start cutting that out. I'm just really lazy and don't want to do any more than I need to lol.

One last thing. I was conditioning my hair under the dryer last night and added oil to my hair.. Detangling has never been an issue for me, unless I use oil! Ugh, I thought I was going to have to cut my hair! If I ever decide to do a hot oil treatment again, sometime slap me. I'm afraid to untwist my hair today because of the amount of knotting I had last night... I will be do mad if I have to cut my hair.

posted from Bloggeroid

Get right, get tight.

Ok, do summer is right around the corner so time to get serious about losing weight.

A couple months back, I'd started using Lipozene, unfortunately that stuff didn't do much but make me poop. I didn't really feel the energy noisy that I wanted and needed to get motivated. I won't say I am clinically depressed, but it has been harder and harder to get motivated since my mom passed.. As my waistline expands though, I know its time to get on it before I get too ridiculous.

I know diet pills are not the solution, but if you have trouble losing weight and keeping the energy needed to exercise like I do, you know the right I one can help. When my ex left, he left behind his Metabolife. I tried them and I actually think they made me gain weight. I had a very nasty feeling on them. Like I needed to be cleaned from the inside out or something. Its hard to explain.. Well, I didn't stay on them long because like I said, I felt nasty and bloated as if I was gaining weight, the opposite of what I want.

There are a few diet pills I've had success on, one being Phentermine. The first time I took it, I lost quite a bit of weight easily, it helped me get into a fitness routine and help with a healthy diet. I was able to keep the weight off after getting off of them until I got pregnant and gained 70lbs.

After I had my son and finished breastfeeding, I went from 210 to 180/90 on my own.. Not enough. I went back to the diet doctor and was able to get down to 165 using Phentermine and trying to run and exercise again. I had to get pdf them though because I ran out of money lol.

I don't know my exact weight, but last I checked I was 177, so we'll say 180. Its been a couple of years now since I used it. These passed few months, I haven't been exercising and find myself snacking uncontrollably, not on chips and candy, but snacking nonetheless.

This time around, I chose a different pill to get me started on losing weight. I found something called Fenfast 375, which claims to be an alternative to Phentermine. I couldn't find too many reviews for it, but I found the product on Amazon, so I ordered it there to avoid being scammed into an automatic renewal system and all that. If it works, then I'll order it again.

I didn't choose Phentermine again, mostly out of embarrassment lol. It would be my third time going in for these pills and I don't feel like listening to a lecture about weight loss. I know how I've gained weight and know pills are not an easy fix, but the right one does make it easier for you to reach your goal.

So, I've already taken one this morning before doing some exercise. I will say, I don't feel jittery which is one of the promises it makes. I feel hungry, but I don't want to eat. Appetite suppression is also one of the claims. Mood enhancement is another, but I will have update on that later.

I'll give it a week to see how things work before I update again. People have claimed topple up to 8lbs in a week, so my goal is 5, although I'll be happy with 3.

posted from Bloggeroid

My thumb ain't green, but maybe brown is good enough

Got my garden done.. Mostly done. Not the best thing ever, but is mine. May as well make the best of my situation and take advantage of this yard, since I'm suck in this house :/.

I put down some sweet and cayenne pepper, honey dew, watermelon, spaghetti squash, and I've got peas and more peppers in my patio box.. I bought Micah one of those hanging strawberry plant bags, so we'll see if that thing grows at all. I how it does for 6 bucks.

I plan to grow some herbs too: cilantro, basil, sage, and lavender. I might try some dill too, but I'm not sure what I'd make with it. I dunno how to pickle anything lol.

Well, bedtime here. Night night!

posted from Bloggeroid

The girl next door.

So, my search for a roommate is on. I've had a few people call and fewer come by to look. One woman is actually staying for the weekend. Yes, its a little strange for a woman I don't know to be sleeping in the room next to my sons, but she paid me 50 bucks and I need every cent I can get. She offered to babysit which is super nice, but I think I'm doing enough having her stay a couple days.... You never know. I can't afford for my baby to get stolen. I've had enough shit happen this year...

If she doesn't show back up next week looking for a place to stay, my search will continue. Really wish the sugar daddy thing would have taken off. I could use one about now, just to pay my utilities... And a few other amenities.

posted from Bloggeroid

Mango butter and bentonite clay

For the past fee Wells, I've been using bentonite clay in my hair a my deep conditioner. I mix it with yogurt and honey, my typical deep conditioner.

I suppose my results are ok. I haven't done a wash and go with it so I can't tell the true results.

I keep the mask on my hair for about an hour, usually under my hooded dryer. After I rinse, I do a quick condition and detangle with herbal essences rose hip or whatever from their original collection. Ice never really had an issue with knots, even now as my hair is getting longer, so I can't tell if the clay helps with that. If you read on other blogs, however, people claim it does.

I've started twisting my hair on wash day (which is once a week when I feel like it). Although I have low porosity hair, I now seal my hair with my own hair butter. The dark and lovely one I bought worked ok, I just wanted to use a more natural hair dressing. I mixed together mango butter, sweet almond oil, olive oil, water, and vitamin e oil. There are also some essential oils typo, but I forgot which. I believe rose oil is one though.

Anyway, I don't like to use a lot of oil because it makes my hair super greasy. My hair will not absorb oils and butters, but I still use it to make twisting easier. Also, by the second day my hair is less oily. By the end of the week, my hair is still soft using the mango butter.. My concoction is still a work in progress. I need to find a way to make it more fluffy and light, without adding a lot more oil.. Perhaps more water and honey.

Now that I have a new phone, which I had to go thru much suffering to get, I will try to keep posting in case someone somewhere out there wants to read what I write.

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The next chapter....

Well, some quick background: I met a guy, my mom died, got a house with the guy, he left while I was at work and now I have a pile of bills to pay. I'm not at all mad that he's gone, only that I wasted so much time and energy, and believed he might actually care for me.. Helped him find a job, let him use my car for months and he practically live for free while I cooked, cleaned, and took care of him :/. Pretty stupid on my part. I opened up a phone line for him which he did not cancel like he was supposed to... My blood boils a bit each time I think of that....

So, now I'm living in a 3 bedroom house I don't need and probably can't afford, but I also can't afford to move. I pay God will smite his ass, but I doubt it. No one that ever crosses me gets the punishment I see befitting..

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I refuse to let this hold me down. Going to talk to my landlord and hippie they can do something, like send him a bill. I very much doubt that too, but maybe they'll feel some sympathy and let me move into a smaller property or something... Gonna hate to pack all this shit back up though.....

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Where I've been...

I haven't been updating for the past couple of months for two reasons: 1) my mother died February 15... 2) I lost the battery to my phone while travelling to her funeral.

I have a new phone (unlocked). but I can't really do anything with it i.e. YouTube, Blogger, send/receive media messages.

For a while, I wasn't doing very much with my hair. I just couldn't find the time or energy, but with the loss of a parent a lot of things don't seem very important.

Last week, though, I started back on my natural hair journey. My hair is about 3 or 4 inches now, so I'm starting to relearn how to twist it. I was going to attempt finger coils, but quickly remembered how lazy I am :/.

My hair was very dry for a while, so I started deep conditioning again with yogurt and honey. I've decided with low porous hair, the curly girl method is not for me. I've modified it some; still avoiding cones and sulfates as much as possible. I'm considering trying rhassoul clay to replace shampoo once or twice a month, but I'm on the fence about that.

Currently, my regimen is still simple (naturally, haha): Once per week I use a baking soda mix to raise the cuticle layer of my hair, then I use conditioner (herbal essences smooth collection (the rose one from their old school selection)) to detangle, after that I put on my yogurt/honey hair mixture on my hair then sit under the dryer for like an hour or until I get tired of sitting, after rinsing the yogurt I add either the herbal essences or mane and tail conditioner to wet hair as a leave in then cover with a towel. I just got that naturals product by dark and lovely, which I use to twist my hair up. You know the one with the orange top promising no shrinkage and blah blah blah.. It leaves my hair feeling a little oily, but by the second day my hair is alright. I'll probably continue looking for a new product for twisting. During the week, I just cover with a satin scarf. My hair generally keeps its definition for a few days. This week, I'm going to start cowashing then retwisting in the middle of the week.

I know this update is pretty unorganized and informal, but hey, aren't they all? haha. I'll try to post pictures soon of my hair as I'm coming up on my year mark since my last relaxer. I'm pretty sure it was in May... or perhaps it was March?? hmm, wither way, I'll have some pictures up soon.

Single mother rant...

So, despite my spending half my paychecks each week, Micah lost his enrollment at his daycare (thankfully my mom paid some of it to get him back in).. my electric, water, and phone bills are coming up due but all of my money has been tied up with Micah's expenses.. everything I earn goes to him. I'm so frustrated right now because all of my pleas for help have been ignored, yet I'm the bad guy... I just wanna scream. I work and trying to go to school to have a better life; I'm raising 2yr old on my own - how am I trying to skrew him over?? Please, someone tell me how I, the parent in poverty that can barely afford juice for my son, is trying to "skrew over" anyone over, especially a man that gets paid more money for a child he resents. I'm just trying to survive! I can't survive off nothing.  This isn't back in the day when gas was cheap, the neighborhood grandma watched the kids for nothing, and bubble gum costed 5¢! Life is expensive; babies are expensive.

Am I wrong for expecting the father of my child, who makes significantly more than I do, to help pay his share?? The same man that left me while I was unemployed and pregnant, ignored me when I reached out to him, chose not to come spend time with his son until the possibility of higher child support was brought to his attention, originally took me to court to get out of paying child support, tried to trick me into signing over custody of our son to him by forging a document to submit to court by saying he can't get BAH if he doesn't and will give me the money, lies to everyone, and who tries to make himself out to be some sort of victim in all this mess? That man?

He complains that he's broke. He gang pay child support because he now has you pay rent and a car payment and other bills. What about my bills? My rent? The fact that I can't het groceries got out child to eat. If those were worries of his, he should have stayed in the barracks. I didn't tell him to get a new car or to get an apartment. Why should I care when this same man walked away from his son while he was screaming and crying to be picked up while I was cooking. Its funny that he expected me to sign over custody for money. I can't even rely on him to pay it with a court order.

I just needed to vent.

I'm so ready for the next chapter because this one sucks..

Location : 2403-2423 Wilma Rudolph Blvd, Clarksville, TN 37040,
holysht, that's me!