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15 March 2010
01 March 2010
Monday
Right now on this lonely, cold, Monday (at least I think its Monday...) night, I want to go on a date. Why are Friday and Saturday the designated date nights? I still work on the weekends (well, when I had a job) and my paycheck was direct deposited on Tuesdays, so it didn't make any difference to me. I've noticed that Thursday is starting to sneak in on the action, creeping slowly into placement.
Am I the only one that is dissatisfied with courtship of the modern world? It seems to me today's media has had way too much of an influence on the way we single people live our lives. Before you start, because I know you're going to, I am not blaming tv and rap music for the chaos that is young America. Its like this: young girls watch those sappy romantic comedies and believe that is the way love happens - she's walking down the street with coffee, his dog gets loose and knocks her over, conveniently he lives in the building across the street so they go inside so she can change clothes (because everyone walks around with a completely accessorized outifit in their clutch), she does something goofy, he says something clever , then they fall in love, they get married. for men: same plot, they go to his apartment, they have sex, he says something clever, in come assassins , a lot of exploding and near nipple exposures, he still has a boner for her so they continue their adventures together .
Maybe the man plot is a little far-fetched, but generally that is what it is. I, being a girl, want that goofy silly love story because I'm a goofy silly girl, but thankfully I have enough sense about me to know that will never happen. I'm lucky enough to see a man a second time around.. I wish I could figure out how to get that Monday date. Monday is the beginning. The weekend is shallow, short, and empty, but a Monday is long; a day for production and surprises. I feel Monday is the perfect day for a date that has promise. The perfect day for those who are tired of short lived, disappointing flings and ready for that every night guarantee.
It just seems to me everyone's expectations are so unrealistic that when I attempt to jump into the dating scene I'm regarded as being abnormal. I guess I am in a sense, weird, because I actually want more than what is currently being offered to me: a drink and a fuck; not necessarily together or in that order... sigh is all I can do I suppose.
It's Monday night. I'm here alone, wishing for my phone to ring.
13 February 2010
my mind wanders...
It is after 3 in the morning and I am awake.
I suffer from a condition known as insomnia. I have not been diagnosed by a professional, but I believe that because this being awake constantly thing is a clear indication. I hate that the best advice anyone can give me is to go to bed. I have no issue with going to bed, it is the falling and/or staying asleep part that is suppose to come after getting into bed that I have an issue with. It is something I've dealt with since a very young age and probably will for quite a while longer. Guess I'll just sleep when I die; or have a nap in a coma haha.
I often sit up reflecting and meditating. I grew up in a household where sharing feelings and speaking your mind was unacceptable. Tears were a sign of weakness and punishable by house law (yes, it's safe to assume I have quite a few issues here in my adult life lol). In order to deal with all the emotion and turmoil accompanied by the maturation of the female body and mind, I learned to relive my life in my head during the late hours of the night over and over until something started to make sense.
Tonite, I'm pondering this Single's Recognition Day aka Hallmark Card Distribution Day, or Valentine's Day, as it is more commonly known. I care nothing for the "holiday". I feel its a waste of time and money. Why only buy me a rose and heart shaped box of chocolates on this one day during the year, Dad (because without need for exaggeration, no one else besides my father has ever given me a gift). Valentine's Day is just another reminder of how single and lonely I am, but with pretty decorations and fattening candies. It's like: I'm alone anyway, why not drown my sorrows in chocolate and gain any weight possibly lost after my New Year's resolution? Besides that, I don't even get holiday pay. This day benefits me not.
As I'm sitting here in my big comfy chair and big comfy sweats, my mind rolls back to my past. Relationships that is. My last "boyfriend" went above and beyond the typical "cheating"; without my knowledge, he got engaged to some older woman from somewhere south of Nashville on welfare with 3 kids that he met online, once. According to him, they fell in love during that one meeting. He is an idiot and she is an opportunist, in case anyone reading hasn't figured that out. He is a soldier and was preparing to deploy at the time. Put two and two together and they were made for each other.. I'm not going to go through every single break up I've been through, but this one was a real slap in the face. I didn't love him or anything like that, we weren't together very long, but I just finally reached my breaking point and I had an epiphany: men suck. I mean, they really, truly do.
So, I again begin to think. I'm a woman, so I do that quite frequently. I'm not entirely sure my mind ever really turns off. I am now wondering, what is it about me that attracts these sorts of men? The jerks. The assholes. The users. The married men. The disloyal. The losers. The cheaters. I don't dress any differently than anyone else. I blend int the crown pretty well, I think. Did I just not read enough Teen magazine growing up?
It gets a little saddening and frustrating watching every one around me getting married, having children and being happy. I am not completely miserable alone, but sometimes it would be nice to share my happiness, or misery, with someone else; someone that isn't contemplating who he will cheat with next as he lays next to me, how he will hide me from his wife and her friends, or completely neglect me for a video game he's already beaten 4 times.
In my profile, I state that I am perfect. That is not a personal opinion, but the conclusion I have been lead to by, men. As it so sincerely, and redundantly been explained to me: I have the type of body men want, my personality is great, I'm sweet,cute, pretty, sexy, nurturing, mature, fun, smart, funny, endearing, charming . Then the classic lines, "You're perfect. I'd date you if I didn't have a girlfriend." or "Any guy would be lucky to be with you!" "You can have any man you want [just not me]!" This is by far my favorite, "You're like a guy, but with boobs." lol, hilarious. A friend said that to me as I was instructing him on how to break up with his girlfriend.
With all the stress going on in my life, a serious and exclusive relationship is the last thing I need, but I can't say it isn't something I want; I still desire to be loved, regardless of what I have going on in my life.
Maybe I'm tired of being the "perfect girlfriend", as it appears to me that it is the imperfect ones that always get the prize..
I suffer from a condition known as insomnia. I have not been diagnosed by a professional, but I believe that because this being awake constantly thing is a clear indication. I hate that the best advice anyone can give me is to go to bed. I have no issue with going to bed, it is the falling and/or staying asleep part that is suppose to come after getting into bed that I have an issue with. It is something I've dealt with since a very young age and probably will for quite a while longer. Guess I'll just sleep when I die; or have a nap in a coma haha.
I often sit up reflecting and meditating. I grew up in a household where sharing feelings and speaking your mind was unacceptable. Tears were a sign of weakness and punishable by house law (yes, it's safe to assume I have quite a few issues here in my adult life lol). In order to deal with all the emotion and turmoil accompanied by the maturation of the female body and mind, I learned to relive my life in my head during the late hours of the night over and over until something started to make sense.
Tonite, I'm pondering this Single's Recognition Day aka Hallmark Card Distribution Day, or Valentine's Day, as it is more commonly known. I care nothing for the "holiday". I feel its a waste of time and money. Why only buy me a rose and heart shaped box of chocolates on this one day during the year, Dad (because without need for exaggeration, no one else besides my father has ever given me a gift). Valentine's Day is just another reminder of how single and lonely I am, but with pretty decorations and fattening candies. It's like: I'm alone anyway, why not drown my sorrows in chocolate and gain any weight possibly lost after my New Year's resolution? Besides that, I don't even get holiday pay. This day benefits me not.
As I'm sitting here in my big comfy chair and big comfy sweats, my mind rolls back to my past. Relationships that is. My last "boyfriend" went above and beyond the typical "cheating"; without my knowledge, he got engaged to some older woman from somewhere south of Nashville on welfare with 3 kids that he met online, once. According to him, they fell in love during that one meeting. He is an idiot and she is an opportunist, in case anyone reading hasn't figured that out. He is a soldier and was preparing to deploy at the time. Put two and two together and they were made for each other.. I'm not going to go through every single break up I've been through, but this one was a real slap in the face. I didn't love him or anything like that, we weren't together very long, but I just finally reached my breaking point and I had an epiphany: men suck. I mean, they really, truly do.
So, I again begin to think. I'm a woman, so I do that quite frequently. I'm not entirely sure my mind ever really turns off. I am now wondering, what is it about me that attracts these sorts of men? The jerks. The assholes. The users. The married men. The disloyal. The losers. The cheaters. I don't dress any differently than anyone else. I blend int the crown pretty well, I think. Did I just not read enough Teen magazine growing up?
It gets a little saddening and frustrating watching every one around me getting married, having children and being happy. I am not completely miserable alone, but sometimes it would be nice to share my happiness, or misery, with someone else; someone that isn't contemplating who he will cheat with next as he lays next to me, how he will hide me from his wife and her friends, or completely neglect me for a video game he's already beaten 4 times.
In my profile, I state that I am perfect. That is not a personal opinion, but the conclusion I have been lead to by, men. As it so sincerely, and redundantly been explained to me: I have the type of body men want, my personality is great, I'm sweet,cute, pretty, sexy, nurturing, mature, fun, smart, funny, endearing, charming . Then the classic lines, "You're perfect. I'd date you if I didn't have a girlfriend." or "Any guy would be lucky to be with you!" "You can have any man you want [just not me]!" This is by far my favorite, "You're like a guy, but with boobs." lol, hilarious. A friend said that to me as I was instructing him on how to break up with his girlfriend.
With all the stress going on in my life, a serious and exclusive relationship is the last thing I need, but I can't say it isn't something I want; I still desire to be loved, regardless of what I have going on in my life.
Maybe I'm tired of being the "perfect girlfriend", as it appears to me that it is the imperfect ones that always get the prize..
09 February 2010
Another night.. Another shot
I've been reflecting on my life as of yet. I don't know if it's this movie or the vodka.. May be neither considering I do this often. Tonight, Ive been thinking about more than my usual shallow, pointless "why me? why cant i find a man" obsessions. I am seeking new employment. I NEED A NEW JOB!!
I like my job at Western State, I do. I am just so sick of starving and not getting my bills paid. I love my crazy, schizophrenic and psychotic patients, but I need more. To me, this job is something I'd do for my own volunteering pleasure, not as a career. Well, maybe if I was a Nurse or a Psychiatrist of some sort. I don't desire to be either.
Watching Adventureland, while not made in the 80s, makes me want that much more to have lived fully during that decade. I can just relate to this movie and dost others about the despair and turmoil of being a teenager between phases of life. I was meant to live during this time period. I am absolutely miserable in the 21st century. The 90s sucked! The 2000s suck equally, if not more.. The 80s, freaking awesome. The movies were great, the music were great, the clothes AWESOME! I was born just a few years too lte for sure.. I also believe I would have n easier time finding a man had I been born earlier. Men these days do not understand women like me, and vice versa.
Well, I believe that is all for now. Can't wait for my next blog. Valentine's Dy is right round the courner. Hate that stupid, Hallmark-ready holiday...
I like my job at Western State, I do. I am just so sick of starving and not getting my bills paid. I love my crazy, schizophrenic and psychotic patients, but I need more. To me, this job is something I'd do for my own volunteering pleasure, not as a career. Well, maybe if I was a Nurse or a Psychiatrist of some sort. I don't desire to be either.
Watching Adventureland, while not made in the 80s, makes me want that much more to have lived fully during that decade. I can just relate to this movie and dost others about the despair and turmoil of being a teenager between phases of life. I was meant to live during this time period. I am absolutely miserable in the 21st century. The 90s sucked! The 2000s suck equally, if not more.. The 80s, freaking awesome. The movies were great, the music were great, the clothes AWESOME! I was born just a few years too lte for sure.. I also believe I would have n easier time finding a man had I been born earlier. Men these days do not understand women like me, and vice versa.
Well, I believe that is all for now. Can't wait for my next blog. Valentine's Dy is right round the courner. Hate that stupid, Hallmark-ready holiday...
28 January 2010
So, I'm back..
Well, it has been about a year since my last post. Welcome back to me!
I haven't really been up to anything new. My business was not very successful, but I still have the website up. School is stressful, naturally. Work sucks, obviously. Had some man problems, of course.
Things now are starting to fall back into place after the big bang destroyed the little bit I had going for me before. I'm single and about as happy as a hungry, poor, 22 year old thousands of dollars in debt can be :D
I don't have a lot of time, but I will try to blog more often and keep people up to date on what I disturbingly call "life".
Please, check out my site if you get a chance. I have added a "donations" button. If you don't like my merchandise (I will be updating that very soon), you can still send me money through PayPal. I'm poor, hungry, and can barely afford gas to get me to school and work everyday. Stop sending your money to nameless "Christian" charity foundations where you don't even know where your money is going. Instead, send your charity my way where you can see it being put to good use!!
24 May 2009
hmm
Well, I'm at work right now. I've been pondering over changing the name of my store/website. I want something a little more appealing to the eyes and ears. A name that is simple, but easy to remember and charasmatic. I also want something that kind of gives an idea of what kinds of thing i sell on there. So far, I'm thinking of like Dani Lanae's or D. Lanae's Fashions.. A few people like Dani For Sale lol. I dunno; I really have to sit and think of this.
I also found someone that designs her own street wear so I need to sit down with her and m ake a deal. I want to sell her stuff and feature her as a designer on my site. I'm also going to work onsome business cards this week to start passing out around school and stuff.
In other news. I moved into my new apartment with my friend and her daughter. It's kind of small, but I'm happy I have my own place again. They aren't staying long so I think I can manage. Tomorrow I'm gonna bomb the place while I'm at a barbeque.
I also went out a couple times in the week and met a couple of guys. I've been reading my Steve Harvey book Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man; I think its really helping me. One guy is 40, divorced with 3 kids (no, I havent run for the hills, but I do have on my Nike's just in case) and the other one is 27, but I don't know much about him. We haven't talked much.
Anyways, I better get back to work. I can't wait to eat some sushi. A girl went out to grab some.. Mmmm, I love it!
I also found someone that designs her own street wear so I need to sit down with her and m ake a deal. I want to sell her stuff and feature her as a designer on my site. I'm also going to work onsome business cards this week to start passing out around school and stuff.
In other news. I moved into my new apartment with my friend and her daughter. It's kind of small, but I'm happy I have my own place again. They aren't staying long so I think I can manage. Tomorrow I'm gonna bomb the place while I'm at a barbeque.
I also went out a couple times in the week and met a couple of guys. I've been reading my Steve Harvey book Act like a Lady, Think Like a Man; I think its really helping me. One guy is 40, divorced with 3 kids (no, I havent run for the hills, but I do have on my Nike's just in case) and the other one is 27, but I don't know much about him. We haven't talked much.
Anyways, I better get back to work. I can't wait to eat some sushi. A girl went out to grab some.. Mmmm, I love it!
19 May 2009
new eBay listings
Even though these items are listed on my website, I decided to put a couple of eBay as well. And even though I have the link to my website on this blog, I am going to blog about my items now being auctioned on eBay lol
Right now I have the plus sized tube tops on there. I only posted 3: two black and one white. Hopefully at least one will sell. I posted them for only 5 dollars. So, I may lost a little money if one sells, but I will at least be getting my products on the market.
In other news, I found a new apartment! So, I and my store will be moving to a new location. I'm not sure how the internet thing is going to work, but ill figure it out. Since the rent is cheaper, I may be able to afford a cheap internet connection.
That's all that I have. If you'd like to take a chance and bid on the top at the super low price, feel free to. I have more in shop but they are running for 12 dollars.
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