02 March 2014

first love...

in the past couple of years especially, I've been going thru a sort of revelation.

feelings towards women are nothing new.... I've just never really forced myself to acknowledge them. anytime I've had a crush on a girl or it hasn't worked out or I've gotten scared, I've retreated back to the safety of Straightland. I've come so close to the edge, but always turned back.. being straight, regardless of whether I ever was or not, is comfortable. its safe. its expected. no one questions a woman that is with a man. however, after this last attempt, I feel as though the gates to Straightland have been closed; I've been banned from the world of the straight life; cast away to Queer City until I've figured out what the Hell I want.

when I was in first or second grade, I developed my first crush.. my first obsession actually. her name was Jennifer Franklin. she sat to the right of me in class. she's the only person in that class I remember. she had long wavy brown hair and blue eyes.

at first, it was just me staring at her. I remember she would turn around and give me this "what the fuck are you staring at" look. I didn't stop though; I couldn't stop. I was happy to get her attention. soon I started writing her notes letting her know I liked her and telling her how beautiful she is. I believe she was flattered in the beginning with the possibility of a new friend, until I continued deeper with love letters, which led to other disruptive behaviors: singing, whispering I love you, holding up signs declaring my devotion. I told her I wanted to marry her and have babies together.

one day the teacher walked up to me and opened my folder to find one of my signs. that was the last day I saw Jennifer. I can't remember if she was moved to the other side of the room or I was moved to a different class.. either way, she was gone. I believe my mom gave me a short speech that girls like boys, chalking it up to an innocent phase..

years later I'd gotten her out of my mind. it was only a phase... and then I saw her, or a girl that looked like her, from across the parking lot at kmart. it was like in a movie: her hair blowing in the wind, a dusty cloud lining blocking my peripheral vision. I wanted to say something, but I didn't. I mean what could I say? what if she hadn't recognized me? or what's worse, she had? the queer little girl that used to sing to her? so I just stared, all the same feelings returned..

before I even knew the word bisexual existed, I knew I wasn't "straight". i knew I could love anyone regardless of their genitals, but it wasn't proper. at 26 though, I'm realizing you can't choose to be straight just like you can't choose to be gay. you can live the lifestyle but eventually the sexuality police will find you and realize you're an illegal immigrant to their world. they'll strip you of your cover up and you will be banished. you'll have no choice but to walk along the uneasy path of discovery and acceptance. hopefully you'll meet some people along the way to assist you on your journey. a band a merry men (or women).

I have come out privately to myself many times, only to jump back into my messy closet. I've locked the door behind me this time so I hope to let go of the handle and allow myself to follow this undeveloped road. I may find something at the end that I've wanted all along.

posted from Bloggeroid


like the moon, I seem to be entering a new phase in life. gliding thru the channels of self and sexuality. I'm not sure if the changes are permanent or simply situational.

since my ex left me last year, I've only had sex 3 times (something I only just realized while writing this).. I've given 2 blow jobs.. yet I've been masturbating excessively while obsessively lusting after a Hispanic tomboy from work. I was temporarily drawn in by a tall transgendered female and as time passes, I find myself less and less attracted to men. lesser than that after each sexual encounter.

the only reason this has become topic is because last night while out in a bar, I was introduced to a good-looking young man with glasses. he was dressed in a nice pair of slacks, a
button down shirt, and a bow tie, which I loved. we had a great conversation and he listened to me intently.. but then he asked me if I wanted a kiss. I'm not sure how I felt at that moment. strangely surprised, considering hed been complimenting and giving me an unusual amount of attention. he then handed me a piece of Kiss chocolate, we laughed and continued talking.... then it came: the pick up. he asked me what I was doing afterwards to which I replied going to bed. he asked me if I wanted company and used the classic "my place or yours".... just as soon as he finished his last breath I felt the words I'm a lesbian about to be blurted from my mouth, however I instead giggled, a lot, to avoid any impulsive statements then told him I'm not interested in hooking up (which is a lie because I fuck in my dreams practically every night and go thru my days like a wound up jack in the box on edge).

how can I not be attracted to an attractive man? especially when all I talk about is wanting attention from someone special and never getting picked up. I understand that looks don't necessarily justify attraction but I felt nothing. I mean nothing at all towards any direction.

earlier in the night, I had a friend of mine do some detective work. he said he thought he knew a girl that fit Jo's description and found her over Facebook; they had a mutual friend.. so I messaged her. I introduced myself and asked her if she's seeing anyone. I was so anxious all night waiting for her reply... when she did reply, I was heartbroken. she was very nice about it; she told me she is seeing someone. for 12 years... I don't know if its a man or a woman, although I'm fairly certain its a woman. holding my heart, I told her that's wonderful, expressed to her what an attractive woman she is and left it at that. I wanted to cry but that's how it goes. at least now I can move on, I guess. I'm now wondering what it'll be like when I see her at work again. will she pass me thru the hall like I don't exist, or will she smile and wave, looking me in the eye, knowing we're not quite like the other girls?

the boy from the bar surprised me with a little kiss on the lips. for those 5 seconds, I felt myself screaming for hours from the inside: what are you doing? please don't use tongue! ew. why aren't I enjoying this? when will it end? I'm so embarrassed. what will I do if he sticks his tongue in my mouth??

I'm not sure what to think of myself right now. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm not really sure of anything. however, I am sure that I'm not sure of where I'm going or what I'm doing. I suppose all I can really do is watch the transformation unfold. I certainly don't feel like I'm living in my body. its more like sitting outside myself. like a movie. observing, wondering what she's going to do next. not knowing what's going thru her head.

have I reached a turning point in my story or a foreshadowing of future events? perhaps I'll find out more after I arrive in Georgia. the end of this chapter is a bit unstable; the next one ought to have some clarifying moments. perhaps some new supporting characters? I'm so curious what the author was thinking when he wrote the novel to my life. I'm so curious of what he has in store.

posted from Bloggeroid