02 March 2014

first love...

in the past couple of years especially, I've been going thru a sort of revelation.

feelings towards women are nothing new.... I've just never really forced myself to acknowledge them. anytime I've had a crush on a girl or it hasn't worked out or I've gotten scared, I've retreated back to the safety of Straightland. I've come so close to the edge, but always turned back.. being straight, regardless of whether I ever was or not, is comfortable. its safe. its expected. no one questions a woman that is with a man. however, after this last attempt, I feel as though the gates to Straightland have been closed; I've been banned from the world of the straight life; cast away to Queer City until I've figured out what the Hell I want.

when I was in first or second grade, I developed my first crush.. my first obsession actually. her name was Jennifer Franklin. she sat to the right of me in class. she's the only person in that class I remember. she had long wavy brown hair and blue eyes.

at first, it was just me staring at her. I remember she would turn around and give me this "what the fuck are you staring at" look. I didn't stop though; I couldn't stop. I was happy to get her attention. soon I started writing her notes letting her know I liked her and telling her how beautiful she is. I believe she was flattered in the beginning with the possibility of a new friend, until I continued deeper with love letters, which led to other disruptive behaviors: singing, whispering I love you, holding up signs declaring my devotion. I told her I wanted to marry her and have babies together.

one day the teacher walked up to me and opened my folder to find one of my signs. that was the last day I saw Jennifer. I can't remember if she was moved to the other side of the room or I was moved to a different class.. either way, she was gone. I believe my mom gave me a short speech that girls like boys, chalking it up to an innocent phase..

years later I'd gotten her out of my mind. it was only a phase... and then I saw her, or a girl that looked like her, from across the parking lot at kmart. it was like in a movie: her hair blowing in the wind, a dusty cloud lining blocking my peripheral vision. I wanted to say something, but I didn't. I mean what could I say? what if she hadn't recognized me? or what's worse, she had? the queer little girl that used to sing to her? so I just stared, all the same feelings returned..

before I even knew the word bisexual existed, I knew I wasn't "straight". i knew I could love anyone regardless of their genitals, but it wasn't proper. at 26 though, I'm realizing you can't choose to be straight just like you can't choose to be gay. you can live the lifestyle but eventually the sexuality police will find you and realize you're an illegal immigrant to their world. they'll strip you of your cover up and you will be banished. you'll have no choice but to walk along the uneasy path of discovery and acceptance. hopefully you'll meet some people along the way to assist you on your journey. a band a merry men (or women).

I have come out privately to myself many times, only to jump back into my messy closet. I've locked the door behind me this time so I hope to let go of the handle and allow myself to follow this undeveloped road. I may find something at the end that I've wanted all along.

posted from Bloggeroid

No comments:

Post a Comment