I suppose I've come to terms with being a woman, although those thoughts still creep into my mind. would I change into a man if I could? probably not. had I been asked 5 years ago.. my name today might be Daniel and I'd have a functioning penis. I felt more like a crossdresser when I put my first dress on. I've come a long way in these last couple of years.
I was convinced, that I wasn't just a tomboy, but a boy cursed with girls body trying to learn to be feminine. my mom hated it; my dad thought I'd make a better son than my brother. I preferred climbing trees and hanging with the guys. I thought, I would be gay guy when I grow up. I was confused. I hated pink but part of me still wished to enjoy the same interests as other girls.. but I also liked girls. doing girl things meant I could be close to them.. so, what does that mean I'd wonder. I was intrigued by my body yet disgusted. I was intrigued by everyone's body really. boys had something I wanted; girls had something I wanted to look at.
I'd feel a strange bit of embarrassment looking thru magazines at women in their bras and panties.. jealousy of them, but jealousy of men as well with their chests and bulges showing in boxer briefs.. I saw a nipple thru a lace brazierre in a JcPenny catalog. so confused... and aroused.
as I got older, I accepted that I am physically female. I wanted to be attractive to men because that's the way its supposed to be... forgive me for my narrow mind. living my life rejected: rejected by girls, rejected by boys, rejected by my parents, I just wanted to fit in somewhere.. being gay and/or transgendered would just set me further apart. clearly, I am not strong.
so, now on to the next step. I have met a woman that I'm totally infatuated. when we met in person for the first time, I felt the same and my physical attraction grew. at the end of the night, we hugged.. heat rushed down between my legs. her body felt so good in my arms. breasts pressed against me... in those few seconds, I wondered how or why I ever believed I could be heterosexual.
I hate to sound like I never enjoyed sex with men. I do find men attractive, I'm just free to not think about fucking them. its funny, but the men I enjoyed sex with the most, are the ones I rarely had intercourse with... the ones who spent more time touching me than fucking me with his dick... lesbian sex with straight men.
I could go for a good hard fuck right now... I just can't seem to desire men anymore. which sucks as men are an expendable source of sexual relief. my dry spell is quickly turning into a drought. a painful, throbbing drought.
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