13 February 2010

my mind wanders...

It is after 3 in the morning and I am awake.

I suffer from a condition known as insomnia. I have not been diagnosed by a professional, but I believe that because this being awake constantly thing is a clear indication. I hate that the best advice anyone can give me is to go to bed. I have no issue with going to bed, it is the falling and/or staying asleep part that is suppose to come after getting into bed that I have an issue with. It is something I've dealt with since a very young age and probably will for quite a while longer. Guess I'll just sleep when I die; or have a nap in a coma haha.

I often sit up reflecting and meditating. I grew up in a household where sharing feelings and speaking your mind was unacceptable. Tears were a sign of weakness and punishable by house law (yes, it's safe to assume I have quite a few issues here in my adult life lol). In order to deal with all the emotion and turmoil accompanied by the maturation of the female body and mind, I learned to relive my life in my head during the late hours of the night over and over until something started to make sense.

Tonite, I'm pondering this Single's Recognition Day aka Hallmark Card Distribution Day, or Valentine's Day, as it is more commonly known. I care nothing for the "holiday". I feel its a waste of time and money. Why only buy me a rose and heart shaped box of chocolates on this one day during the year, Dad (because without need for exaggeration, no one else besides my father has ever given me a gift). Valentine's Day is just another reminder of how single and lonely I am, but with pretty decorations and fattening candies. It's like: I'm alone anyway, why not drown my sorrows in chocolate and gain any weight possibly lost after my New Year's resolution? Besides that, I don't even get holiday pay. This day benefits me not.

As I'm sitting here in my big comfy chair and big comfy sweats, my mind rolls back to my past. Relationships that is. My last "boyfriend" went above and beyond the typical "cheating"; without my knowledge, he got engaged to some older woman from somewhere south of Nashville on welfare with 3 kids that he met online, once. According to him, they fell in love during that one meeting. He is an idiot and she is an opportunist, in case anyone reading hasn't figured that out. He is a soldier and was preparing to deploy at the time. Put two and two together and they were made for each other.. I'm not going to go through every single break up I've been through, but this one was a real slap in the face. I didn't love him or anything like that, we weren't together very long, but I just finally reached my breaking point and I had an epiphany: men suck. I mean, they really, truly do.

So, I again begin to think. I'm a woman, so I do that quite frequently. I'm not entirely sure my mind ever really turns off. I am now wondering, what is it about me that attracts these sorts of men? The jerks. The assholes. The users. The married men. The disloyal. The losers. The cheaters. I don't dress any differently than anyone else. I blend int the crown pretty well, I think. Did I just not read enough Teen magazine growing up?

It gets a little saddening and frustrating watching every one around me getting married, having children and being happy. I am not completely miserable alone, but sometimes it would be nice to share my happiness, or misery, with someone else; someone that isn't contemplating who he will cheat with next as he lays next to me, how he will hide me from his wife and her friends, or completely neglect me for a video game he's already beaten 4 times.

In my profile, I state that I am perfect. That is not a personal opinion, but the conclusion I have been lead to by, men. As it so sincerely, and redundantly been explained to me: I have the type of body men want, my personality is great, I'm sweet,cute, pretty, sexy, nurturing, mature, fun, smart, funny, endearing, charming . Then the classic lines, "You're perfect. I'd date you if I didn't have a girlfriend." or "Any guy would be lucky to be with you!" "You can have any man you want [just not me]!" This is by far my favorite, "You're like a guy, but with boobs." lol, hilarious. A friend said that to me as I was instructing him on how to break up with his girlfriend.

With all the stress going on in my life, a serious and exclusive relationship is the last thing I need, but I can't say it isn't something I want; I still desire to be loved, regardless of what I have going on in my life.

Maybe I'm tired of being the "perfect girlfriend", as it appears to me that it is the imperfect ones that always get the prize..

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